My spy in the Home Office has revealed the truth of Jack Straw's agonising over Pinochet. 'He tortured thousands, Home Secretary,' his advisers told him. 'Serious stuff.' said Jack. 'But he's an old man and it was a long time ago.' They said, 'He killed hundreds of thousands of people.' 'Nobody's perfect.' said Jack'. In government you have to take some hard decisions.' The advisers played their ace. 'We think that here in Britain he took some medicinal cannabis for his back pain' 'That's dreadful' screamed Jack ' Pack him off to a Spanish dungeon.'